Mary Anne Marrero
Mr. Hayes
Eng 100 -1:10
4/12/2013
Word Count: 511
Peer Evaluation for Cuihua Lin
Reverse Outline:
¶
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Notes on Form or Organization
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Brief Notes on Content
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1
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Introduction
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Introduces the topic by briefly
giving some information about Occupy. Introduces the sources.
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2
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Body ¶
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Discussion of first source –
Sekar and Soung’s view.
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3
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Body ¶
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Discussion of second source –
Armoundian’s view.
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4
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Body
¶
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Asks the main question [?] and
directs it to the 2 sources, Sekar/Soung and Armoundian.
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5
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Body
¶
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Asks another question and
discusses Harrison’s perspective.
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Global:
§ I see that the main approach of
this paper revolves around two questions, although I’m not quite sure what the general
question is.
§ The topic, which explores how the
Occupy Movement takes on success, sounds pretty interesting.
§ The comparisons between the
perspectives seems like they are lacking something. You might want to put a bit
more of your own insights about the topic without taking a side on one
particular source.
§ You might need some connections
that would help in the comparing and contrasting of the three sources on your
paper.
Organization:
§ It seems like the intro and
discussion of Laird Harrison’s perspective is off-course from the two other
sources. Try including his perspective on the 3rd or 4th
paragraph to put some balance between the perspectives.
§ The paper sounds a little like a
summary rather than an exploration. Try ordering the question logically,
discussing the causes and effects based on the question.
§ Try integrating the three sources
after asking the first question. In that way, Harrison’s perspective wouldn’t
look like it was left out.
§ You might want to add paragraphs
that talk about the connection between the three sources – and also to make it
look like it wasn’t a rigid, high-school-style-5 paragraph driven essay.
§ I like the way each of the sources
were introduced adequately just like that of the student sample on Aims Chapter 8 (p. 202-204)
§ Creating some transition paragraphs
between the paragraphs that discuss the perspectives might help in coming up
with the required word count (1250-1500 words).
Paragraph:
§ I like how the
topic-evidence-explanation concept was applied in this paper, although I think
the topic seems to be lacking some specification.
§ Great work on conveying the “They Say” part, but you might need o
express a little more of you “I Say”.
§ The last paragraph looks like a
body paragraph because it talks about Harrison’s own view on topic.
§ I don’t see a relation between the
evidence in paragraph 3 with the question being asked. Try addressing it
further; explain how Maria Armoundian answers the question.
§ Refer to Aims Chapter 8 (p. 198-201) to get more ideas about what to put in
the conclusion paragraph.
§ You might want to add a more
explanation as to how the quotation answers the question.
§ In the introduction, consider
narrowing your focus on your own exploration of the Occupy movement or you
could open with your own view before reading.
§ The last paragraph beholds another
question, how does Sekar/Soung and Amourdian’s address this question?