Mary Anne Marrero
Mr. Hayes
Eng 100 -1:10
4/12/2013
Word Count: 511
Peer Evaluation for Cuihua Lin
Reverse Outline:
¶
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Notes on Form or Organization
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Brief Notes on Content
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1
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Introduction
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Introduces the topic by briefly
giving some information about Occupy. Introduces the sources.
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2
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Body ¶
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Discussion of first source –
Sekar and Soung’s view.
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3
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Body ¶
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Discussion of second source –
Armoundian’s view.
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4
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Body
¶
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Asks the main question [?] and
directs it to the 2 sources, Sekar/Soung and Armoundian.
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5
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Body
¶
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Asks another question and
discusses Harrison’s perspective.
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Global:
§ I see that the main approach of
this paper revolves around two questions, although I’m not quite sure what the general
question is.
§ The topic, which explores how the
Occupy Movement takes on success, sounds pretty interesting.
§ The comparisons between the
perspectives seems like they are lacking something. You might want to put a bit
more of your own insights about the topic without taking a side on one
particular source.
§ You might need some connections
that would help in the comparing and contrasting of the three sources on your
paper.
Organization:
§ It seems like the intro and
discussion of Laird Harrison’s perspective is off-course from the two other
sources. Try including his perspective on the 3rd or 4th
paragraph to put some balance between the perspectives.
§ The paper sounds a little like a
summary rather than an exploration. Try ordering the question logically,
discussing the causes and effects based on the question.
§ Try integrating the three sources
after asking the first question. In that way, Harrison’s perspective wouldn’t
look like it was left out.
§ You might want to add paragraphs
that talk about the connection between the three sources – and also to make it
look like it wasn’t a rigid, high-school-style-5 paragraph driven essay.
§ I like the way each of the sources
were introduced adequately just like that of the student sample on Aims Chapter 8 (p. 202-204)
§ Creating some transition paragraphs
between the paragraphs that discuss the perspectives might help in coming up
with the required word count (1250-1500 words).
Paragraph:
Paragraph:
§ I like how the
topic-evidence-explanation concept was applied in this paper, although I think
the topic seems to be lacking some specification.
§ Great work on conveying the “They Say” part, but you might need o
express a little more of you “I Say”.
§ The last paragraph looks like a
body paragraph because it talks about Harrison’s own view on topic.
§ I don’t see a relation between the
evidence in paragraph 3 with the question being asked. Try addressing it
further; explain how Maria Armoundian answers the question.
§ Refer to Aims Chapter 8 (p. 198-201) to get more ideas about what to put in
the conclusion paragraph.
§ You might want to add a more
explanation as to how the quotation answers the question.
§ In the introduction, consider
narrowing your focus on your own exploration of the Occupy movement or you
could open with your own view before reading.
§ The last paragraph beholds another
question, how does Sekar/Soung and Amourdian’s address this question?
Upon reviewing Cuihua’s essay 2, I noticed several errors concerning grammar and the construction of her sentences. We were asked to evaluate our peers’ writing based on our own experience as writers, and be able to help them improve their essays by giving them conducive comments. Through the peer evaluation, both me and my peer got the chance to share our own ideas that correspond the topic. In my own case, I enjoyed this and the other think/pair works inside the classroom because it seemed like a way for me to meet new friends and also be able to work with them in or outside of class! :-)
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